


Wormtail's Diary

by Wackybutton



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Diary/Journal, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-09
Updated: 2018-10-25
Packaged: 2019-01-15 07:26:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 26
Words: 4,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12316512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wackybutton/pseuds/Wackybutton
Summary: The Diary of Peter Pettigrew, October 1981





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So there's a lot of hatred for Peter in the Marauder's fandom and I think it's important to remember that he's just a scared kid. So here is his diary, so we can see what lead him to behave as he did.

I'm so sick of this war. I was meant to be a department head in the ministry by this point. Dad's connections would have ensured it. Instead I'm stuck fighting. I'm not a fighter! There's a reason my animagus form is a rat. I just want to run and hide when things get tough.

Not that I can say any of this to anybody. They're all so excited to be doing this. So noble, so valiant. I can just imagine if I tried to mention this to James,

"Oh but Wormy! Isn't it great to have a purpose? To be able to help those less privileged than we were, than we are."

Or Sirius, 

Don't be a coward Wormtail. You're a rat, not a mouse" (cue hysterical giggling).

Remus is probably most likely to get it, but even he would tell me that we have to keep fighting. But it's ok for him. For all of them. I'm the least useful member of the Order by far. I'm not clever, or brave, or good at dueling. I'm just... me.

I think I'm going to go and heat up another pumpkin pasty.


	2. October 3rd 1981

So the Prewett brothers are dead. You'd think I'd be used to detailing the deaths of people I know by now. But my hand is still shaking as I write this. Maybe it's because they seemed so much larger than life, much like Prongs and Padfoot. And if the twins can die, what does it say about the chances of the rest of us? 

Moody was there. Said that they fought really well. But what did that get them? Did it get them long, happy lives? The chance to love and be loved? Nope. They didn't even manage to off any of the Death Eaters to make it easier for the rest of us. Apparently they were set upon by six of them. The only one Moody recognised was Dolohov. That's one of the things I hate the most... Not knowing who these people are. It could be people I called uncle growing up. That nice aunty who always had the best jam. It's just as likely as it being the scary looking old man from the house down the street.

I don't know how much longer we can keep this up for. We seem to be dying a lot faster than they are. I need to try and get some sleep. I hope the nightmares stay away tonight.


	3. October 4th 1981

Dumbledore seems to think that things are going our way. I think that's rubbish. Every day you hear more stories about people being found dead or going missing. I haven't dared read the Prophet for weeks. Not that they'd necessarily report accurately. I'm sure at least some of the reporters must belong to He Who Must Not Be Named. And how are you to know just who they are? The whole not knowing who to trust makes me want to just curl up. 

A short entry today dear diary because for the first time in a long time all of the Marauders are free of Order work at the same time. We're going to descend on the Potter household. Spoil the little Prongslet, then once he's asleep, drink as much Old Ogdens as it takes to make us forget about this awful war. At least, that's my plan.


	4. October 5th 1981

Oh Merlin. I think I'm going to die from this hangover. Lily refused to make us any of the potion she uses because we woke Harry up. As if it's my fault that Padfoot decided to reenact the time he charmed all of the mirrors to react to us all in different ways based on our animagus form! I'd forgotten how much it hurt when every mirror shrieked in alarm when it saw me. Saying that, the annoyance on Moony's face every time the mirror howled was hilarious. 

Of course Sirius got the mirrors to tell him what a “good boy” he was. That boy never can resist stroking his own ego. I still don't understand why the mirrors started singing about the weather in April when James walked past though. Apparently it's some Muggle thing.

Thinking about it, at least if I die from this hangover I'm not part of this stupid war anymore. It's not that I don't think we're doing the right thing; Muggleborn wizards and witches can be just as powerful as any of us. Look at Lily, she's much better at magic than I am and I'm pureblood. It would be stupid to eject them from Wizarding society - we could miss out on the next Sleakeazy’s inventor (although I wouldn't tell James that. He seems to think his grandad was a one off genius.) I just wish there was a way I could not be involved. Or at least not involved in the fighting. I'm no good at it.


	5. October 6th 1981

Another day, another mission. I'm getting so fed up of this. This time at least was a protective mission. We had to move a Muggleborn family (again) before the Death Eaters found them. I don't mind these missions too much; they're about protecting people. About survival. My rat instincts can deal with that. 

What am I going to do when Dumbledore asks me to battle again? When /James/ asks me to go into battle alongside him? I can't do it. I can't do this. I can't do anything.


	6. October 7th 1981

I've been set the task of helping Frank and Alice patrol Diagon Alley tonight. I don't know if this is just because he thinks I need to be kept busy or if Dumbledore actually has some inside knowledge about something happening. Not that he'd share it with us lowly foot soldiers anyway. One bonus point to patrolling Diagon Alley is that I can nip into Fortescue’s before I have to start. Florian has given me an extra scoop every time since I started going with mum as a kid. Maybe I should go extra early, then I can start looking for a birthday present for Pads. It's less than a month away and he's so hard to buy for. Since his uncle Alphard left him money and a place to live he has no reason not to just buy whatever he wants. 

Suppose I should go get ready for this. It's going to be so boring. I wish I had one of those new Muggle inventions that let you listen to music whilst you move. I guess that wouldn't be much good if I'm meant to be listening for signs of Death Eaters though…


	7. October 9th 1981

Oh Merlin. Oh Merlin. Oh Merlin. Circe’s tits. What have I done? Merlin, the Longbottoms. I can hear Alice's screams. I can't… I couldn't…


	8. October 10th 1981

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW - mention of torture

James and Sirius came by today. Banging on the door loud enough to wake the dead. The Longbottoms had been found. Both of them babbling incoherently apparently. Alive, but, not them. No longer the doting mother and proud father to their son. Not even able to recognise the colleagues that found them. Of course between that and my absence James was worried about me. Needed to know that I was alive, that I was ok. 

I lied. I said that they must have been taken after I left them. That they were still happy and whole when I last saw them. Why did I lie? It wasn't my fault. I didn't do anything to get us captured. They left eventually; James needed to check on Lily and Harry. Apparently the rumours about a prophecy are circulating again. I'm glad. That they left, not about the prophecy. Divination is a load of hippogriff dung. I was never much of a believer. Not like my sister. She got an E in her Divination O.W.L. She only didn't take it for N.E.W.T.s because of mum and dad.

Oh Merlin I'm rambling. I'm rambling because these thoughts need to be let out but I can't. I can't do this…

I have to do this. I have to admit it somewhere. 

I'm a coward.

I always knew I was. I knew that I wasn't as brave as the rest of the Order. As the rest of the Marauders. I've wondered again and again why the Sorting Hat put me in Gryffindor. I always thought it saw something in me that would somebody bloom. 

I'm a traitor.

Merlin those words were hard to write. More painful even than the Cruciatus curse which Bellatrix used on me. I tried, I tried so hard to resist. But it hurt. The pain. Oh Merlin. It was. It was indescribable. And having her do it, looking so much like Sirius, it hurt all the more. It felt like a betrayal. So I gave in. I promised them anything they wanted if they'd just stop. I needed it to stop. It was my only coherent thought. 

At first they all just laughed. What could I give them? But I betrayed one of the Marauders’ biggest secrets. I let the Death Eaters know we were Animagi. I explained that I could hear things as a rat without people noticing. I could be useful by telling them of planned raids, planned attacks. The whole time I was blabbering Bellatrix kept her wand pointed at my throat.

Then she just tucked it away. Told me I was the Dark Lord’s rat now. And that I'd be looked after. Then the Death Eaters turned their back on me and returned their focus to Frank and Alice. I could have attacked them. I could have killed at least one. Instead, I ran. Ran away from the building. Far enough to escape the wards and disapparate. 

I'm a coward and a traitor and I lied to James and Sirius as I looked them in the eye. 

What have I done?


	9. October 11th 1981

There was an Order meeting today. Dumbledore finally accepted that we were losing ground. Meadowes suggested that what we needed was to turn one of the Death Eaters into a spy and there was a half hearted chuckle. But it made me think. Could I do it? Could I be a spy? I haven't said anything to anybody yet, but I could be useful. I could prove to the other Marauders that I'm not just a tag along. I can be brave and cunning too. 

Now I just need to find a way to prove to Voldemort and his followers that I'm on their side...


	10. October 12th 1981

I got a fire call from a Death Eater earlier. I don't know who it was because they wore their mask. They gave me the details of a place to apparate to and a time and date. Said I'd be met and taken to somewhere I could prove my usefulness. I admit I nearly wet myself when that face appeared in my fireplace. Those masks have been haunting my nightmares for years. It was nearly enough of a fright for me to try and find a way to escape. Maybe by fleeing the country - if anywhere is safe - or by telling Dumbledore. How I wish I was back at school where I could just tell a teacher when things got too much.

The picture on the fireplace renewed my resolve though. It's Prongs, Moony, Padfoot, Lils and me on our last day of school. Even though we knew there was a war happening, we look so hopeful. So full of joy. I want to make that happen again.


	11. October 13th 1981

Sirius came to visit earlier. He's worried about . Thinks that he might be being swayed by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Apparently he's becoming more and more distant. I don't know if I can believe it. I mean, he's our Moony. He's a Marauder. But… I guess he is a werewolf….

I almost told Sirius about my plans. I wanted his advice. But I know that he would think I should do it. He's brave enough to do it and not think twice. I need to be more like Padfoot.


	12. October 14th 1981

I can't stop thinking about Remus. What if he has turned? It's not like he's got a great life ahead of him in the world as it is. Already the werewolf registry stops him being able to do a lot of things. It's not like he's a bloodthirsty monster. He just wants a quiet life. It's not like we've ever treated him differently. Have we? 

Maybe I’m just trying to stop thinking about the meeting I have to go to. We've got an Order meeting tomorrow. Then the next day I have to see He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. At least, I assume I'll see him. Dumbledore isn't at every single Order meeting. Maybe He isn't at every Death Eater meeting? Mind, it seems like that's the sort of organisation you'd want to have tight control over. Very dog eat dog. Hmmm. I wonder if Padfoot has ever wanted to eat another dog? Is that something that dogs actually do or is it just a stupid Muggle phrase Lily and Remus use?

Why am I thinking about that?!? I need to think about what I'm going to do, what I'm going to say at this meeting.


	13. October 15th 1981

I couldn't sit still at the Order meeting today. I just felt like everybody knew that I was going to be meeting with the enemy tomorrow. That they all blame me for what happened to the Longbottoms. I just wanted to scream that I was doing this for them. That I was trying to make sure that we all survived. 

I'm home now. There's a bottle of Firewhisky with my name on it. I need to drink it or I'll never get through the night.


	14. October 16th

That was the most terrifying experience of my life. I didn't even meet He Who Must Not Be Named. Or, I assume I didn't. Everybody kept their masks on. I'm sure I recognised some of the voices from school. Slytherins I imagine. I couldn't really place any of them though. You don't think whilst sat in the Great Hall “oh I should make sure I can match each voice to a face for when faceless mass murdering pureblood elite terrorists interrogate me.” 

They demanded that I prove my worth to them. I showed them my animagus form, but apparently that wasn't enough. I was half tempted to just try and get away whilst I was a rat. But I'm determined to try and help the Order. Unfortunately I heard nothing useful today and they made me give them some information about what the Order has planned. Apparently they'll see if it's accurate and then the next steps can be taken. I'm not sure what they are but I don't like the sound of it.

I gave them information on a raid Marlene McKinnon is leading this week. I trust Marlene to handle herself. She's one tough girl. Nearly as good in a fight as Prongs or Padfoot. 

I’m doing the right thing aren't I? This is how I can help. I can keep the Marauders, and Lily and Harry safe. I can.


	15. October 17th

I woke up in the middle of the night from a horrible nightmare. And just as I'd reassured myself that it was only a dream I remembered that my actual life was worse. I don't want to die.


	16. October 19th

So I spent yesterday dosed up on potions for dreamless sleep. It's not like anybody would miss me being around and after the nightmares I've been having lately it seemed like a good idea. Except you can only take so many. And Marlene’s mission is tonight. 

 

I'm starting to wish that I had shares in Old Ogdens. I must be making them as rich as the Blacks. Well, maybe as rich as the Potters at least. Thinking about the Potters reminds me that the whispers of a prophecy are getting louder. I think something was said about it at the last Order meeting. Maybe James and Lily need to withdraw from battle. I don't want to lose them. Although that would mean more slack for the rest of us to pick up. I'm not sure that I can do anymore.


	17. October 20th

I can't stop throwing up.

I can't do this. I just can't.


	18. October 21st

He killed the whole of Marlene's family. All of the McKinnons gone. Just to stop the raid. And send a message I guess. I can't believe it. I was told by He Who Must Not Be Named himself. He's a charming person. Handsome. And yet he wiped out a whole family. 

And it's my fault. All my fault. 

This is further proof that He will kill anyone He sees as against him makes me more sure than ever that we need to win. Nobody will be safe. 

I didn't hear much of anything useful. The Death Eaters took great care to say nothing in front of me. But there were murmers about the prophecy again. And they mentioned the Potters. I went to see Lily and James earlier. I tried to persuade them to go into hiding. Apparently Dumbledore had already tried to persuade them. He told them about a charm that can keep them hidden without them having to leave. We'll all forget that we know where they are and can't tell anybody. I begged them to do it. 

I can't lose Prongs and Lily. Not when it seems like we've already lost Remus.


	19. October 23rd

There were more deaths in the Prophet today. Whole families of Muggleborns killed. And a huge Muggle massacre the day before. I spent most of the day as a rat so I could avoid people, both Death Eaters and Order members. Somebody knocked for a while at some point but I just stayed hidden. 

I need to be contactable though. How can I give the Order information if I don't get it to begin with? This whole thing makes me feel sick. What if somebody catches on? What if they don't? What will I have to do to prove myself?


	20. October 24 th

I went to visit Prongs and Lily. I thought I'd have to try and convince them about this Fidelus charm but apparently Padfoot already has. Which I was pleased about until I learnt that he'd also convinced them to use me as their Secret Keeper. I pointed out that Pads was the obvious choice but apparently that's what makes this idea so wonderful. 

I nearly threw up over little Harry.

Other than that the visit was depressing. Talking about the recent deaths. Lily looked at me funny when we were talking about the McKinnons. I hope she doesn't suspect I had anything to do with it. We also ended up talking about Remus again. Prongs is adamant he'd never betray us but I'm not so sure. I don't think Lily is convinced either. I had to leave when conversation turned to Frank and Alice and how their son is going to be brought up by Augusta. I still feel like it's my fault, and I've always been terrified of Mrs Longbottom! Merlin knows what that kid will end up like.


	21. October 25th

We're scheduled to do the charm in two days time. Why on earth did they have to choose me? I'm not brave. I reminded Prongs of how long I managed to keep Padfoot’s third nipple a secret. I claim it was a whole day, Pads says it didn't count when I was asleep so it was only a few hours. He countered with the fact that I kept Remus’ secret for years. And I'd kept our Animagi forms secret. Of course, they're not secret anymore but James doesn't know that…


	22. October 27th

I got an owl from “Your Friend” almost as soon as the charm was completed. It requested my company at 3pm tomorrow. He Who Must Not Be Named must have had people tracking Lily and James constantly. I don't know what to do. I can't let Them know that I'm the Secret Keeper but the Dark Lord knows when somebody is lying. I need to come up with a plan.

I'm not going to sleep tonight.


	23. October 28th

The meeting is in 10 minutes. I've been told where to apparate to; it's some miserable part of Muggle London. The Dark Lord surely cannot be based there. I think I have a plan. I need them to trust me, to believe me, so that I can start learning useful information to pass to the Order. 

I'm not sure I'm strong enough for this.


	24. October 29th

It's 8pm and I've only just been allowed to disapparate. They kept me in Padfoot's childhood home. It's a dreary place with the heads of old house elves on the wall and what seems like a hundred portraits of members of the Most Ancient and Noble House of Black. They were all talking at once when I was taken in, demanding that I say I'm not a blood traitor, ridiculing my size, calling me fat and other nonsense. I did my best to ignore them; they're only portraits after all and no match to the danger the people there held to me.

They kept asking me about Sirius. I didn't understand at first but then I realised that somebody must have slipped them the information that Pads was the Secret Keeper as that was the original plan. Looks like the Order has a spy. I bet it's Snivellus. He's only recently started appearing at meetings, and he was in Slytherin with the rest of the slimy, Dark Arts obsessed freaks. Either that or we were all right to mistrust Remus...

One of the weird Black sisters kept threatening to Crucio me. I wet myself the first time she said it. And they all laughed. No wonder Andy is the only cousin Padfoot gets on with. She never did though. Just kept asking when I'd prove myself useful. And telling me that if I truly didn't know where Sirius was I'd better find out as quickly as I could. 

I was just preparing to leave when I overheard the start of another conversation about the Prophecy. I was trying to hear what I could, desperate for the Order to have some useful information (and how surprised Sirius would have been to hear it come from me) when Walburga bustled into the room barking orders at a miserable looking House Elf. Immediately she demanded to know what I thought I was up to, and the two people I'd been trying to overhear came through the door. One I recognised as being the smarmy Malfoy, the other didn't look familiar to me. Perhaps somebody from Durmstrang. There's a school that's obsessed with the Dark Arts. I'm sure I heard that Grindelwald had gone there. I bet loads of the Death Eaters are from Durmstrang. I wonder if any are from Beauxbatons or Ilvermorny… 

I'm deviating again diary. I don't want to recall what happened to me next. But I've told myself that I will, because then if I do end up dying somebody might see how hard I tried to be brave. 

I was tied to a chair with a quick flick of Malfoy's wand before he pressed it to his left forearm. Almost immediately there was the pop of apparition and a high, cruel voice asked why he had been disturbed. Malfoy began to explain and I realised that this must be the Dark Lord himself. I admit that I wet myself again. As they turned to look at me I couldn't help but stare at the Dark Lord's face. He was younger than I expected him to be. I mean, I know he was at school only a few decades before us but I expected him to look ancient. For the evil that must reside in him to have made its mark upon him somehow. But, his voice aside, he looked well, normal. 

After looking at me He said that Malfoy seemed to have me under control and that my little ratty nose couldn't reach into anybody's business from where I was and as such, He'd be back to deal with me when it was convenient. With that there was the crack of disapparition and He was gone. Walburga started to complain about having to keep her treacherous brat of a blood traitor son’s friend in her house but the others just pointed out that it was the Dark Lord's will. And so they left me. Sat all night in my own waste, with a silencing charm placed upon me so that I couldn't talk. They took my wand too of course. Although I worry that had they left it I would have been too scared to use it for anything anyway.

I reminded myself of my plan. I didn't have to lie to the Dark Lord, just avoid revealing the truth. I focused on that as the day darkened before brightening then once more turned into night. I felt like I hadn't eaten or drunk in weeks, although I know it can't have been more than 24 hours. And then, with no warning, He returned. 

I pleaded my innocence over the eavesdropping. Said I had heard nothing important (which was true), and He seemed to let it go. But then he hit me with Crucio. I have no idea how long it lasted but it seemed an eternity. I would do anything in my power to avoid it happening again. I cannot begin to describe the pain. As I tried to recover, the Dark Lord parroted my responses to the questions about Sirius back to me. I agreed that he was the most obvious choice, I acknowledged that somebody must have thought something was going to happen to the Potters specifically. I raised my concern about Remus being a spy. And just like that I was released and told to return home where I should await further instructions. 

Every time I close my eyes I think I'm being tortured again. I have no idea how Alice and Frank lasted as long as they did. They were so brave.


	25. October 30th

I spent half the night throwing up whilst thinking that I can't ever go through anything like that again. Then with the sun came an owl. I'm to present myself at Malfoy Manor at midnight this evening. I started making plans to run away, to hide. Then a second owl arrived. It told me that I shouldn't even think I could hide, even in my animagus form, because the Dark Lord had placed a tracer charm on me whilst I was indisposed. They actually used indisposed. As opposed to thinking that the world was tearing itself in two along the line of my body.

I don't know what to do. I can't run, and I can't go to the others for help. I won't admit to stooping that low. Merlin save me.


	26. October 31st

Oh Merlin forgive me. I never claimed to be brave, I should never have done this. This will be my last entry for a while. I've given up the location of James and Lily’s home. I couldn't face the torture that the Dark Lord would have visited on me. I hold to the fact that it's only Harry he wants dead. I can be safe in the knowledge that I've done what I can to keep us all alive. Eventually they will learn to forgive me. They'll understand how futile fighting the Dark Lord is. Perhaps Moony already has, maybe I should seek him out. Sirius dotes on the boy though and he scares me almost as much as the Dark Lord when he's angry. He can be a cruel, cruel man. So, for now, I run.


End file.
